After the Retreat:

Well, this weekend was a very cleansing one for this soul. Catholic by denomination, subscriber to the World Religion by faith, I went on a spiritual retreat in hopes of enlightenment during this, a very fragile time in my life.

My background is this, before the retreat my world fell apart. For six years, I had questioned my faith, what I believed, and who I am. During that time, I became engaged, that didn't work, I had a new love, she didn't work out either. I mean, it wasn't any fault in her, it was just I don't think she was ready for me, for us, or for any of it. So, none the less, when I started this page, I found myself lost, as lost as Duo and Wufei from After the Summer which in my case is semi-autobiographical.

Well, back to the topic, I had some major soul searching to do. I needed to find out who I was now, after the fiancée and after the one who I considered my soulmate left, for her own personal growth.

I realized on the day that I wrote Chapters 9 of After the Summer, that I needed to do some cleansing, mental, spiritual, and emotional cleansing. So first, I started with emotional cleansing. That is the best let me tell you. In this instance, it was needing to find closure in my relationship with her. We had been over for a while now, but there was that part of me that could not accept that she had gone. It kept saying, "no, it's only for the summer. When the semester starts again, she'll be back. She has to… She loves me….right?" So when the semster started, we didn't really talk, and it kept making the same old excuse. I tried to hate her, because I thought maybe that would help, but it didn't. So, I figured the only way for closure was to talk it out… (spoiler for Chapter 10)…. So on Thursday, before I left for the retreat on Friday, I went to her. I had to apologize for everything I was feeling guilty about our relationship. I knew she hadn't been ready… and there were many other mistakes as well. I also needed to know who she was now, and that she was better without me. That is still debatable, because it's hard to really get to know someone in one night, especially when you spend most of that night crying and explaining all that you think you've done wrong. But I learned that she did grow as a person while she was with me, but neither of us had been really ready for our relationship when it started, and though she moved on, there was still a possibility that she and I may still be friends, and that I can live with. Soulmates don't have to be lovers, but it is nice if they are friends.

So a box of tissues later, I have most of that emotional cleansing that I needed to be open to the spiritual one.

Not your typical Catholic retreat, let me tell you. The theme was to seek HIS face. That is seek the face of God and Jesus in life, and in everyone. Now this is the cool thing. Everyone was so spiritual, so open, so accepting. They didn't need me to voice why the feeling of the spirit made me cry, or why confession was so hard for me, they were just there, lending their support to me. The priest, bless his heart, was hard of hearing, and that really made confession easier, I had the benefit of telling someone my problems and getting them off my chest, with a little advice from the parts that he did understand, without the pressure of censoring myself because of my abject fear of priests…but that's another story. So absolution from the priest, received, understanding and forgiveness from her, received… all that is left is forgiveness and understanding from myself… which is what I hope to gain through meditation and sharing, and mayhaps from shekinah

date written: 07 October 2001

2007© shenkai