Dropping the Mask

so, who am i?

i introduced myself to the web in 1997 as chibifaerie, and through the years as Aurelia Blohm, vtoby, vjareth, zoilynn, Marianne Chang, Deven Denara and most recently as shenkai. But who am I really?

i'm a young adult, or so i've been told. currently i'm 28, but truly i still feel like a teenager, awkward to the world and to life. i think i've got that 'i never want to grow up' syndrome. currenly i'm a manager of a small printing and office supply store in the wonderful state of Texas. i graduated from college with a major in psychology, and an undeclared minor in anthropology. i thought about becoming a social worker, or something in the field, but that was my freshman year, and that is the best thing about college. you see, college is where you go in knowing what you want to do when you grow up and realize about half way through, but after it is too late to change your major, that you do not want to do that for the rest of your life and you're stuck with a semi-useless degree. it makes you second guess your life and question what you thought you knew about everything, not just your choice of career.

i am no longer sure about what i want to do when i grow up, or even if i want to grow up. i dabbled with the various jobs normally associated with my field of study, and my current dream is my own restaurant, or gift shop, or something like that. fortunately, what i learned most in my psychology classes is that psychology is not just for psychologists or psychiatrists, it's for anyone who has to deal with people, so my degree will not be for nothing, i just may have to go back to school for restaurant management or whatever i decide to do.

as relationships go, i'm currently single...not by choice. you see, i've got this dependency issue, while i tend to be a solitary creature, i like to have someone around that i know will be there for me. i had that once, in my fiancee, but he started to notice other things, and well, i lost him. i lost his devotion and he lost my respect when he started to be just like the others, demanding and controlling. so i left him. we had planned to be married 01/01/01.

i moved on with the love of my life, who i wish i could still talk to. at one point in time she was turning out to be the best friend i could ask for, or still want. we are soul mates, i believe, even if she and i cannot be romantically involved. she is my rock and it was though her that i began to learn how to be myself. funny how life doesn't let us realize our mistakes, like taking things for granted, until it is too late, and that is how i lost her. rather, we lost each other in losing ourselves. if you ever read this, my goddess, know i will always love you, and if you ever need anything, i'm just a phone call, or email away.

unfortunately, things don't work out, and i moved back to Texas, moving in with my first female crush. the age difference and her resentment of everything ultimately broke us up, and ended a friendship that i had come to enjoy more than the physical side of our relationship, perhaps because it was more prevalent in the situation. she and i both had ghosts in the relationship, and unfortunately hers returned to claim her, and i hope they are enjoying each other. with all the hell she put me through, i feel that they truly deserve each other, and all the misery that they inflict on the people around them. that is a costly mistake that has taught me a lot about life.

i guess that leads to the ultimate question, and for that, i have no answer. i find both genders equally attractive, but guys scare me, and women are too emotional for me. i don't know, maybe i should just give it all up and dedicate my life to the church...nah, i love life too much and really can't handle the pious stuff. though there are times that such a life is very appealing to me....

2007© shenkai